Is It Worth To Say?

I long to show the world to the world.

Is that too much to ask? 

When a man’s life seeks contentment and security,

The heart seeks what that man cannot even describe.

Shall I live life as I feel it meant to be?

Open to failure and uncertainty? 

Maybe on my deathbed it’ll be worth to say

“I at least attempted to live…”

Journal Entry: Thoughts After Taking a Year Off as a Missionary Before I Go Home

After three months volunteering in an orphanage in Bolivia and four months volunteering at a clinic in Peru, it has finally come to eleven more days before I go home. What a crazy experience it has been. Full of adventures, new friends, growing relationships, and learning experiences. Besides the obvious things of what I tell people of what I learned/experienced, like making tools with a machete and knife, giving almost 200 injections in the butt, eating guinea pigs to alpaca to live suri, to just really realizing how difficult life can be at times, it amazes me to see how much I’ve learned solely about myself and how much I’ve changed. Sometimes I’m not sure if I’m seeing how much I’ve changed, or how much of who I truly am finally revealed to me. I’m beginning to see how I may have looked a little too highly upon myself last year like I was some kind of saint or something… but that’s definitely not true. From laziness, to priorities, to God, to compromising morals for adventure. So much I need to work on.

This trip has really shown me how much of the world there is to see. There’s so much just in Peru that I didn’t have the time or money to experience (Peru is a freaking amazing place). So many different kinds of people that I want to meet, so many cultures that I crave to dive in, and languages I need to learn. I don’t want to rush and settle down when I finish school. The world is like a gigantic book, and where you currently live is just a tiny chapter. There will be a time when I’m old and will have no choice but to stay in my house for the rest of my life. Every week I see hippies making and selling jewelry on the street just so they can find a way to go out and see the world. Though I prefer not to travel that way (I’m not that risky!), if they can do it, then why can’t I?

This year has definitely been my best yet through all the ups and downs. I can’t compare anything to it. I feel like I’ve learned more about myself and the world then I would have even if I studied it at home for years. But when it comes down to it the most important thing I need to focus on when I get home is remembering to take back what I’ve learned here. From my faults, outlooks on life, goals, to my relationship with God. If that doesn’t happen, I feel this trip would have been almost pointless. Though I still don’t feel like the person I need to be, I can’t go on living life the same as I did before.

My time here is almost up. It feels like a dream. I can’t help but wonder what things are going to be like when I get home. Especially when I start school. New people, new major, new goals, new relationships, and trying to catch up with the lives with the friends I’ve missed… I’m actually really excited. Feels like awaiting a new adventure.